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My Version-Part 2

My Version Part 1

So…Luke deposited me in the car and went to “get his keys.” I’m yelling after him “they’re on the kitchen counter!” He actually went to gather any pieces of toe that we might need for what had quickly become my digit puzzle. My mom raced over with a wet kitchen towel to wrap around the foot. And that’s when the pain hit and my breakdown began. I just burst into tears and moans saying over and over “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! This is such a stupid accident! What was I thinking?!” My sweet brother was right there telling me it was ok & accidents happen. I’ll never forget that look on his face of such intense sorrow and empathy.  We raced to the Denton Regional Emergency Room, guessing & hoping it was the closest hospital to our semi-rural location.  The drive was light-years worse and more intense than the trek to the hospital/birthing center with either of my babies.  And then I was even in hard labor and dilated to an 8 the minute I got into Labor & Delivery with both babies.  I’m sure the people we were blazing by on the road thought I was in labor from what they could see through the window view. At this point I was freaking out between the pain and the fear of what they were going to do to my foot before I got any relief from the pain. As it turned out I was wheeled straight in to a room, waited about 40 minuted before I got a nerve block for just the bog toe and then another 20 minutes for an IV & the good drugs. They did a series of about 10-12 Xrays, checking for internal injuries. I was covered in dirt and tree bark, 1 mangled toe, 1 open fractured toe, a busted up knee, a bump on the head, 2 severely bruised and possibly broken toes on the other foot and a very swollen and purple ‘pelvis area’ let’s just say. So they were fairly intent on making sure there weren’t bigger issues than just the big toe.  Me, mom and Luke stopped amidst the “code black” announcements and tornado sirens in the hallway, held hands and prayed, begging the Lord for safety & healing regardless of the outcome of the toe.  All was well with my innards and I was in surgery by 8:30pm. <In the meantime, mom had followed us to the hospital in her car, dad was in the house when the accident happened & stayed with the kids that night. I didn’t see him again until Monday when he got off work. Trip was napping, Riley deposited Joss with dad, stopped by the accursed trees, found bone & tissue pieces in the tree and then brought them to the hospital.> I couldn’t have orchestrated an accident better myself if I’d been given the chance! Every one had a role and played it so perfectly-accept my sister who is the toughest one of us all and was desperately missed in such a traumatic situation! I can just imagine had she been there she would’ve been with me in the back seat, holding my bloody foot in her lap and distracting me with stories of mishaps at the ranch!  So, as you probably know already they were able to reattach the big toe. We spent a few days at the all inclusive Hotel Denton Regional for our anniversary (which was Easter Sunday.) So romantic. And here I am. Grateful to be alive and intact; almost walking “like a normal person” as Joss told me the other day.  I have a load of great new memories of my family through out this unfolding saga. I can’t begin to tell you how the Lord has blessed and sustained me through this process. I feel as though my life has become a comedy of errors in the last 6 months, unfolding for all to see, humbling me in the process. I have a whole new appreciation for Matt Chandler and his out look on cancer-to be grateful to be counted worthy of this trial. That is so heavy. I don’t know if I would volunteer for it again. But I also might not take it back if I had the chance. I have learned to let Luke care for me in a whole new way; to better accept grace and love from those who love me; to have a sense of humor and hold loosely to the things He has given us-even something as small as toes. I wrote a post before titled “Growth” where I touched on the Lord giving and taking away. And now I laugh because I had no idea how literal it would become for me in the coming months. I am learning every day to walk. Not just on my vulnareable feet, but in His grace. To not be a narcissistic Christian, focused obsessively on what I’m doing or how I’m doing. There is a better way to get better than to try to get better.  Tullian Tchividjian spoke last week at church and he simplified it for me.  To make progress is to begin again each day. Begin again by waking up and accepting Christ’s grace and substitution for me, understanding that what’s important in my relationship with Him is not what I have done for Him, but what He has done for me.

References:

Tullian’s sermon from the Village

Colossians 1:9-14  Tearing down the misconceptions of the Gospel

Romans 5  Christ’s substitutionary death & equally important, His life

Romans 6 What will you do, Christian, now that you know you don’t have to do anything?

Growth

Fresh air. Deep breaths. Warmth on my back when I’m hunched in my garden. These are the things that keep me going from day to day. Isn’t spring so healing? Maybe it’s just me, pulling through the deep darkness of this past winter. The Lord gives and He takes away. This keeps reverberating through my mind. I also heard this echo in my mind 4 years ago. Standing in church with my eyes closed, trying to sing. Wanting to sing. But I had grief caught in my throat. You know that feeling? It’s just caught right there between a cry and a scream-but it’s stuck. Don’t move, maybe it won’t come out. That’s what I battled standing in church that day after my first miscarriage. And then, through the noise in my mind, a still small voice. He gives & He takes away Keri. A gush of air so sweet & fresh rushes into my lungs, like a river washing away my hurt. That river just kept on flowing. Through years of valleys during marriage, health problems, moves, dreams realized, dreams taken away, loss of life, loss of love, redemption of love. He gives & He takes away. That’s all you need to know. I don’t understand it, but I can trust it. That’s all I need to know to get me through.

Oh deer!

It is snowing like a white Christmas in Montrose. The biggest snowflakes I’ve seen are floating down so gracefully, you can’t help but have a romantic warmth in your spirit-even though we are still a long way off from Christmas. My sister texted to let me know that today is November 15th & that is the official day that the Dallas lite rock station starts to play Christmas music. It is a big day indeed! I caught these guys in the yard while I was enjoying a quiet lunch, with the kids down for naps.  I, of course, had been thinking about our life, days to come, the long winter and Luke traveling. Suddenly they crept up out of the channel behind our house and made the perfect scene outside my back doors. I gave a sigh of contentment as a went on about folding the laundry and completing other menial tasks. The graceful deer forage for food and count on God’s perfect timing to don their winter coats and stay warm. Am I not much more than these to the Lord? Thank you God for such a sweet reminder.


Matthew 10:29-31

29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

~KJ